In About Love, filmmaker Archana Phadke offers a revealing portrait of the banal, sometimes disturbing, ever enduring bonds of family. Three generations of the Phadke family live together in downtown Mumbai. Their lives, recorded over the span of three years (2015-2017), reveal the contradictions of a modern, well-educated family making a life within India’s traditional Hindu and post-colonial nationalist structures that empower men while marginalizing women.

As the family copes with caring for ailing elders and preparing for a son’s wedding, viewers are invited to think about the purposes of marriage, the impact of losing independence (either through marriage or infirmity), and what it means to be heard.

This guide is an invitation to dialogue. It is based on a belief in the power of human connection and designed for people who want to use About Love to engage family, friends, classmates, colleagues, and communities. In contrast to initiatives that foster debates in which participants try to convince others that they are right, this document envisions conversations undertaken in a spirit of openness in which people try to understand one another and expand their thinking by sharing viewpoints and listening actively.

The discussion prompts are intentionally crafted to help a wide range of audiences think more deeply about the issues in the film. Rather than attempting to address them all, choose one or two that best meet your needs and interests. And be sure to leave time to consider taking action. Planning next steps can help people leave the room feeling energized and optimistic, even in instances when conversations have been difficult.

For more detailed event planning and facilitation tips, visit the POV Community Network

Key Participants

• Archana Phadke – filmmaker; daughter
• Maneesha and Atul Phadke– Archana’s parents, married for 32 years
• Neela and Madhave Phadke– Archana’s grandparents, married for 68 years
• Rohan Phadke – Archana’s brother

Key Issues

About Love is an excellent tool for outreach and will be of special interest to people who want to explore the following topics:

• Aging & Caretaking
• Intergenerational Family Dynamics
• Gender Roles within home and society
• Hindu Radha-Krishna stories
• Love & Responsibility
• Marriage
• Sexism & Patriarchy

India Quick Takes

India is a democracy of approximately 1.3 billion people. The only nation with a larger population is China.

Approximately 80% of India’s population identifies as Hindu. The next largest group is Muslim, at 14%. Just over 2% is Christian and just under 2% is Sikh.

India declared independence from British colonial rule in 1947. Even today, however, the nation still struggles with the legacy of colonialism. For example, light skin is often favored and the sale of whitening creams continues to be a staple of the cosmetics industry.

Narenda Modi has been the Prime Minister since 2014. He is a Hindu nationalist, promoting Hinduism as the true religion of India, much like white nationalists claim the U.S. is a Christian nation. In some respects, Hindu nationalism (Hindutva) is a reaction to British colonialism, reclaiming an indigenous religion as resistance to the imposition of Christianity. In recent years, Hindutva ideology has resulted in state-sanctioned violence against minorities, especially Muslims.

Economically India is still a developing nation with significant poverty levels. There is, however, a growing middle class. Average life expectancy is about 70 years old and ¾ of the population over age fifteen is literate.

New Delhi is the nation’s political capital. Mumbai (where the Phadkes live) is considered India’s financial center.

Gender Equality in India

Although gender equality is written into India’s Constitution, Indian women still face significant discrimination. There have been improvements in women’s education, representation in government, and economic opportunities. However, fewer than 20% of Members of Parliament are women (78 total in 2019). And while literacy rates have risen, only 66% of women can read and write compared with 82% of men. Gender-based violence continues to be a significant threat, and according to the United Nations, India ranks 125th out of 159 on the Gender Inequality Index.

With the rise of Hindutva ideology, traditional Hindu teachings about women have also posed a challenge. Like all patriarchal religions, Hinduism assigns different roles to women and men, giving men the power to command both politically and in the home. There have been progressive feminist Hindu challenges to this traditional interpretation, citing the presence and power of female deities as models. Nevertheless, the religion’s strong dualism tends to maintain male power and provide an excuse to prevent women from attaining or asserting power.

Radha-Krishna Stories

Since the rise of the Bhakti movement during medieval times, Radha-Krishna stories have been among the most common in Hinduism. Versions of the stories vary, with some depicting Radha as the incarnation of the goddess Lakshmi, who is paired with Lord Krishna; others depict Radha as Krishna’s consort.

In all the stories, the couple represents the highest possible level of eternal love and devotion. In some traditions the pair met as children. In others theirs is the expression of perfect physical love between adults, while in still others it is an exalted spiritual bond.

In some traditions Radha and Krishna merge to form one powerful deity that encompasses both male and female spirits, not as opposites but as a singular force. As one Temple put it, “Krishna is the embodiment of love, affection, wisdom and wit and Radha is the female manifestation of all these traits. If Krishna is the sun, Radha is the sunlight.” (templepurohit.com)

In the film, Maneesha mentions attending a nearby Radha-Krishna temple, and she bases her own writing on the story of the couple’s love.

Starting the Conversation

Immediately after the film, you may want to give people a few quiet moments to reflect on what they have seen or pose a general question (examples below) and give people some time to jot down or think about their answers before opening the discussion:

• If you were going to tell a friend about this film, what would you say?
• Describe a moment or scene in the film that you found particularly striking or moving. What was it about that scene that was especially compelling for you?
• If you could ask anyone in the film a single question, whom would you ask and what would you want to know?
• Did anything in the film surprise you? Was anything familiar? What was familiar?

Love and Marriage

In what ways does About Love offer insight into what love looks like in everyday practice? In what ways does this film inspire you to think about love in different, or more dynamic, ways?

How are popular representations of love mythological and what impact do these romanticized ideas of love have on society? How do the relationships in About Love more accurately reflect and expose love in a more realistic sense? What is beautiful about the love reflected in this film? What is difficult to accept about the love and relationships that are reflected in this film?

How would you describe the relationship between Madhave and Neela (the grandparents)? How about the relationship between Atul and Maneesha (the parents)?

Rohan asks his sister “So why don't you want to get married?” She answers, “What will I achieve with marriage?...She has a long time boyfriend but says, “I love me more than I love outsiders.” When he suggests marriage could be fun, she answers, “Maybe, but it's not going to be fun for me…I don't want to become like Mom.” What do you think she means? What is it that she is resisting?

Atul insists that Maneesha never listens to him. She also feels unheard by him. Are they experiencing the same thing? What’s the difference between “listening” and agreement? How about between listening and obedience? Or respect?

Maneesha says that Atul sometimes gets mad over silly things. She remarks, “I behave like I can't use my brain when I'm around him” and complies to prevent him from getting angry. She explains, “He has an ego problem.” How do individual personality traits intersect with cultural expectations that suggest men are meant to be in command of their households? In what ways do the women in this film resist the expectation that they are supposed to obey men? In your view, why do such cultural messages about gender roles persist?

In the history of humanity, marrying for love is a relatively recent phenomenon. What did you learn from the film about the long-term benefits and drawbacks of using romantic love as the foundation of a marriage?

Parents played a significant role in selecting marriage partners for the older generations of Phadkes. Maneesha adds, “When you live in the same colony, neighbors and friends know more about who you like than yourself.” What role do parents, friends or extended family play in your relationships? How does their actual role compare to what you think it should be?

The Phadkes are Hindu. It was important to Atul’s father that Atul not marry a Christian. Atul’s own son is marrying a Sikh. Why do you think there is a desire to marry within common faith-based communities? What are some potential benefits of people from different religious traditions or ethnic communities getting married? From where do you think the arguments against such marriages are rooted?

Neela says she agreed to marry Madhave because, “He was good looking and it seemed like he had good manners…I was conned by his fair complexion.” How were these things reflective of her culture and economic circumstance? Why would a “fair complexion” have been important to her? In what ways are our understandings of attraction shaped by cultural and economic backgrounds and circumstances?

Neela recalls that, “My in-laws told me to cook, to pray. It was my duty to complete all the household chores. I couldn't even say 'No.'” Two generations later, her grandson Rohan agrees that an essential part of being a wife is serving your husband’s family and not talking back to your in-laws. Archana sees these roles as immutable, and as a result, wants no part of marriage. What’s your view? Have gender roles in marriage changed? If so, in what ways? Are there any additional changes you’d like to see? What are the major sources of your beliefs about roles within a marriage?

Parents and Children

The film opens with the filmmaker on her way home for a visit. What does “going home” mean to you?

What did you learn from the film about accepting family for who they are, with all their imperfections? What are some of the very challenges embedded in this commitment to unconditional love and acceptance?

The filmmaker asks her parents and grandparents what they were like when they met and married. What would you want to ask your parents or grandparents?

Archana is surprised to find out that her mother is secretly a serious writer. Do you recall any moments when you discovered the person you knew as “mom” or “dad” had a life beyond being your parent – a life you didn’t really know about? How did the new information affect your relationship with them? What does this suggest about the relationship between the roles we are assigned and how they impact individuals’ identities?

The filmmaker says she doesn’t understand why her father might suspect she is a lesbian. How and why does sexuality get intertwined with resisting conformity to stereotypical female roles?

Elders and Aging

Mahdave remains at home, despite his failing health. How does that decision influence family dynamics? In what ways do caretaking responsibilities fall on women as compared with men in the household?

When Uncle Lali has a stroke, the family places him in a dedicated care facility, declaring that “More than his happiness we should be happy…It is our call not his call.” What factors would you consider in making decisions about late life care? Put yourself in the shoes of the elderly person, the primary caregiver, the adult child, grandchild, the professional staff. What do you think your preference would be and why? Who should have the power to decide?

How did the family’s financial resources influence the options available to them? In what ways are quality of care determined by economic status? What larger societal impacts does this have on individuals and families who can’t afford particular types of care?

Neela says she continues to care for her husband despite his abuse “for the sake of humanity.” What do you know about how dementia or other health problems amplify personality traits like irritability or aggression? What would you do to help caregivers in a situation like Neela’s to cope with the emotional impacts of caring for a sick loved one’s aggression?

Mahdave describes seeing very specific ghosts. Do you think this is meant to be taken literally or to be considered in a figurative sense? What might the filmmaker be trying to communicate by including a scene about ghosts, haunting, and connections to the past?

In the process of grief and grieving, why is it important to have rituals connected to memorializing those who are lost? What are some rituals that your community offers to honor the dead? What questions, thoughts, or feelings did you experience as you witnessed Madhave die at home?

Intergenerational Family Connections

In what ways would you describe the feeling of the Phadke family dynamics? Can you point to any filming or editing techniques that helped convey that feeling?

Where do you see evidence that this extended family is bound by love? What did you learn “about love” by being offered such an intimate glimpse into this family’s day-to-day life?

How are religion and ritual in the Phadke family like or unlike the roles they play your family today and/or the family you grew up in?

In what ways did Phadke family relationships illustrate the feminist maxim “the personal is political”?

What’s the significance of the television in the life of this family? How does it compare to the role of mainstream media in your family?

Maneesha’s Voice

Maneesha says, “When I am here, there is no time to think about myself.” She feels compelled by her roles as wife/mother/daughter to be vigilant about what everyone else is doing, so she can’t focus on her writing. In what ways do these roles and expectations limit her personal growth as a writer? In what ways do we see Maneesha’s strength, power, and creativity through her commitment to writing?

Maneesha treasures time by herself to write, explaining, “I'm just trying to listen to myself...That's when I think about what I want...It is my own world…None of you exist there.” How does art and creative practices allow us tap into our selves in unique ways? When and how do you take time to “listen to yourself”?

For Maneesha, writing is in part an antidote to the feeling that no one in the family listens to her or sees who she really is. How do you make yourself visible or heard? What are some strategies for inviting others to see us for who we feel we truly are?

Maneesha shares that she is writing a Radha-Krishna story that is about “my relationship with nature, religion, home and two women separated by time.” What do you think Maneesha’s story topics reveal about her? What might they reveal about women’s place in modern Hindu culture?

Spend some time with these excerpts from Maneesha’s writing. Go one by one and reflect on each passage as a community. What are some insights that her writing offers you, the reader/viewer? How is the personal reflected in this creative process? What are your takeaways from the story that Maneesha shares?

“Why do people fight? Loud noises and screaming scare me. I never understand what to do.

Sometimes I don't even understand the problem.

There was this strange tension for a while, and then everyone and everything went back to normal in the house. I went and sat at the edge of the well, yet I could not understand how to deal with the chaos in my mind. My opinion is never asked. Most people think I can't speak. That's how little I talk.

So, no one has ever questioned my silence. Only I exist in my world but there was always this other 'me' lurking around me. Amongst a web of relationships, this 'me' creates its own existence. True to self, true to its relationship with self, echoing "Yes you are the best." That is the real me.

As I peek over my terrace I watch this other me standing by the door, calling out to me. I can see it, flying with the birds soaring above me. Two sides of me—One tied down, one set free.”

At the end of the film, Maneesha shares a passage she has written about a butterfly: “There is no relation between this butterfly and me, and still it brings me happiness.” What do you think the butterfly represents? What might the butterfly teach Maneesha about love and joy?

Maneesha’s characters asks, “Will I ever find someone who will love me purely? A nameless love like Radha and Krishna?” What does “pure love” look like to you? Does it exist in real life, or only in the realm of deities or a writer’s imagination?

Closing Questions

At the end of your discussion, to help people synthesize what they’ve experienced and move the focus from dialogue to action steps, you may want to choose one of these questions:

If you could require one person (or one group of people) to view this film, who would it be? What do you hope their main takeaway would be?

What question(s) do you think the filmmaker was trying to answer? Do you think she found the answers she was looking for?

What did you learn from this film that you wish everyone knew? What would change if everyone knew it?

Complete this sentence: I am inspired by this film (or discussion) to __________.

If the group is having trouble generating their own ideas for next steps, these suggestions can help get things started:

Spark family conversations about what makes relationships healthy, including marriage. At your next extended family gathering, set up a camera and invite couples to answer the filmmaker’s question to her parents and grandparents: Why did you get married? After that, make it a family tradition to show the tape to every child or grandchild on the occasion of their engagement. Consider having every couple who reaches a twentieth anniversary add to the tape.

Get to know your elders - ask them questions about their past experiences, what brings them joy, and how they have come to know themselves? Begin learning about people in your life beyond the role the fill, but as individuals.

Create a writing group for women where they can carve out time and space to write and have an opportunity to share their work.

Create your own kite-flying event to celebrate families. Make your own kites with messages about family or images representing each family. Talk about what each person/family chooses to put on their kite.

Make a family plan for who will care for aging parents or other family members as they become unable to care for themselves. If those in need of care stay at home, make sure that caregivers have scheduled relief.

Explore content related to About Love on the POV website, where you’ll also find other relevant features, shorts and digital projects.

About Love
https://www.facebook.com/Aboutlove2019/?fref=mentions&__tn__=K-R

Women in India Today

India Together
Dedicated to women and women’s issues, this online news organization provides articles on daily issues confronting women in India.

Feminism in India
A site by and for young Indian women that is designed to educate and amplify the voices of women and marginalized communities using tools of art, media, culture, technology and community. A good site to get a feel for popular culture issues in India, including writing by Indian women.

United Nations Women’s Office
The UN aggregates information on programs, treaties and statements related to gender equality. This link takes you to the site for the organization’s India office. Also see
https://www.unwomen.org/en/how-we-work/research-and-data/publications.

Understanding Hinduism
This article explores origins, symbols, key texts, and beliefs of Hinduism.

Jasbir Jain – Indigenous Roots of Feminism (book)
A summary explanation of Jasbir Jain’s work on Indian feminism and Indian women writers.

Also see: https://www.thehindu.com/books/feminism-the-indian-context/article2586471.ece

Writer

Faith Rogow
Ph.D., InsightersEducation.com

Discussion Guide Producers, POV

Chrissy Griesmer
POV Engage Intern

Courtney Cook
Education Manager

Thanks to those who reviewed this resource:

Rachel Friedland
POV, Senior Associate, Programs & Engagement

The creation of POV’s Education Resources is made possible by the generous support of theOpen Society Foundation.